From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
You Might Also Like
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
do horses think humans are hats
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog