From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
what the
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Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.