[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
You Might Also Like
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Follow me for more fitness tips.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*