Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
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*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I would like even faster food.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”