My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
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You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
next question.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Just got to our Airbnb!
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold