Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.