Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
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Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
first you must answer his riddles