If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
You Might Also Like
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me