If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
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If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Just a friendly reminder!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?