Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
nyc:
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.