As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
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My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Stop.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
tis the season
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?