My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My dad.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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