“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.