Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
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So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Spotted in New Orleans.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Oh. My. God.