Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
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No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
#Caturday
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
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I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.