My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
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Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?