Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
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When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.