You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
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[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
This is my cat’s medicine.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.