If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.