At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
my retirement plan is braless
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.