Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good