I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
The Others (2001)
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.