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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”