Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans