screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
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I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
It has been 3 years since Monday.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Probably my best painting.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”