My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*