VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
An odd boast
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
R.I.P.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder