Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
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Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.