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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?