Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
relationship goals
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.