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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.