One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Straight people are cancelled
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
house sitting!