Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier