I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Hotels are back
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Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.