Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol