The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
The honesty is refreshing
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
That’s no pocket rocket.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh