Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
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[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off