*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
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Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.