Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!