@UncleDuke1969 “Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
@noog Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
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@UncleDuke1969 
@SortaBad After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
@sarcasticmommy4 Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
@ohthatbadger “Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
@jordan_stratton COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
@Valdemort_Arg You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
@Daisyldoo Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
@IfIwassomething The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
@theshantilly Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
@DropDeadJud *brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery