@noog

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

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@UncleDuke1969

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

@SortaBad

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

@ohthatbadger

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

@jordan_stratton

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

@Valdemort_Arg

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

@Daisyldoo

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

@IfIwassomething

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

@theshantilly

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE