Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
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Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.