Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.