My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me, flirting😏
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible