Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials