Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.