“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day