Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
You Might Also Like
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
why I oughta
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
lmfao come on
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it