“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
🤣😂
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.