Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
You Might Also Like
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
constantly working on myself.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*