her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
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Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too