My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
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Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind