One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
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I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
me after drinking all the wine:
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I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
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tell em, edith-anne
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.