Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.