Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

❤️❤️❤️

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.