Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
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Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit