Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*